Dear Unborn,

Dear unborn,

Our admission process is highly selective, and we regret to inform you are denied being born White because you’re not privileged enough.

Sincerely sorry,

White Admission Committee

 

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Congratulations, you’ve been accepted to be born Asian!

Dear unborn,

Congratulations, you’ve been accepted to be born Asian! While our birth admission process is extremely selective, we have chosen you to be born Asian. Here are a few reasons we believe that being born Asian is a perfect fit for you. There are many benefits to being Asian, for example: prodigious musical talent, automatic competency of calculus, and being somewhat hegemonically above Blacks in the U.S. You would also descend from a model minority pedigree of genes that guarantees a 4.0 GPA. Unlike other races, our facilities includes the impenetrable “bamboo ceiling” that protects Asians from being corrupted by wealth and power. Our facility will ensure minimal social mobility, therefore you will have the perfect opportunity to enjoy the ultimate virtues of silence, obedience, and passivity. Protected from the decadent lures of white success, you will be held to an unlimited amount of expectations to be met, thus you would never be bored being Asian. Being Asian is fun!

By choosing to be born Asian, you are making a wise decision. Unlike being White, there are clear expectations of who you are, who you can be, and who you should be. By leaving Asians with minimal opportunities for individual pursuit and self-discovery, you would never have to experience the White burden of choosing your own identity. Choosing your identity can be a complex and ridiculously expensive undertaking, therefore we’ve engineered our stereotypes so that you wouldn’t have to tattoo on your body English words like “Coca-Cola” or “hamburger” to appear more exotic. And unlike Blacks, you won’t even need to be baffled with choosing whether to become an athlete or a thug; those two options don’t exist for Asians. With one shared singular stereotype of a dainty nerdy doormat, our people excel at what they have to become, thus becoming the very best followers in their fields!

If you wish to be born Asian, please reply to this letter by May 1st and we will send your enrollment deposit form along by with a stork. Thank you for considering being Born Asian, and we sincerely hope your reply would be positive.

From Yours Truly,

Asian Admission Committee

 

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Congratulations, you’ve been accepted to be born Black!

Dear unborn,

Congratulations, you’ve been accepted to be born Black! Out of many of our bright applicants, you’ve demonstrated an extreme capacity for versatility in code-switching, perseverance in coping with lifelong unfair circumstances, and grace while colleagues invalidate your experiences. Before you make your final birth decision, here are few reasons we think being born Black would be a perfect fit for you. Through affirmative actions, Black skin has helped many Black applicants gain acceptance to America’s most elite institutions such as Harvard, Yale, and their local prisons. A Black person without legacy, given the same magnitude of crime, is at least five times more likely to gain admittance to America’s top prisons. With a legacy of hard work, exploitation, and slavery, being born Black stands out as a highly sought after “one of its kind experience” in today’s White economy where “struggle” is in high demand, especially amongst young teenagers. Today, our Blackness emerges as a leader in exporting “real struggle” for those who don’t really have any, but would love to buy it to look cool; our most famous customer includes: the chain-wearing white dudes, the saggy pants white-rappers, and Justin Bieber.

By choosing to be born Black, you are making a wise investment. Unlike our less closely-knitted White competitor, Blacks are intricately well-connected with each other through shared racial discrimination and fried chicken stereotypes. As Blacks, we boast a robust and powerful alumni network. As a testimony to our alumni network’s strength: if a Black alumni tries to steal a KFC, every other innocent Black person, including you, would also be banned from KFC. Today, Blackness is a nationally and globally recognized stereotype. Compared with Asian and Whites, you would also be more athletically built because your genes are descended from a lineage of African warlords. By choosing Black skin, you are also investing in your ability to: internalize racism, twerk, and slam dunk. Unlike being White, choosing to be born Black you will have the privilege of “Black Fear”: the respect gained from being feared, especially by White people. We’ve worked very hard to secure this “Black Fear” privilege, and we guarantee that you would always be allowed an ample average 20 inches more personal space in most forms of public transportations in the US!

We hope that your reply to this letter would be positive. Please reply to this letter by May 1st and we will send your enrollment form along with a stork. Thank you very much for considering being born Black, and we hope you success in whatever choice you make.

Kindest regards,

Black Admission Committee

 

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Work Cited:

Bureau of Justice Statistics, Probation and Parole in the United States, 2010, November, 2011. Accessed from http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/ppus10.pdf on Febuary 15, 2016.