Porn and Her Wrinkled Stomach

“Do you want to watch porn with me?” she asked jokingly after a long hook-up and make-out session in your dorm room bed.

Before going to boarding school, you lived five minutes away from a prostitution bar disguised as a hair salon. Going to school and home, you rode past it every day. You always snuck a peek at the hair salon’s girl exposed belly button, because you knew you weren’t supposed to look at it. Most of the salon’s girls were older than you, but some could have been your classmate. “Why are they not in school?”, you asked your driver. “Because they needed to make money,” he replied. “Guys need to work, but good looking girls can sit around, do nothing, and make money” he added and continued driving.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”, The kindergarten teacher asked. One girl said she wanted to be a superstar, and the rest said they wanted to be either nurses or princesses. You were surprised none of the girls wanted to be a business manager like your mom. After ‘question time’, your class watched Sleeping Beauty, and that white girl did nothing but sleep. You really don’t think your mother could sleep for 16 years and not answer her emails.

“Don’t be gay watch it with us!” Around twelve-years-old, you and three friends during IT class decided to check out RedTube. You and your friends googled “redtube”, opened it, and you saw a bunch of blonde skinny long-legged girls in weird poses. Your friend randomly selected a video that had five-stars. The five-star video was a compilation of men masturbating and ejaculating onto women’s faces. It was gross, it was exhilarating, and it was disturbing. The girls in the video seemed happy to do nothing but passively receive semen. You tried imagining your mom and dad doing that, but you couldn’t. Your mother, taking care of two sons and a family business, didn’t look like the girls in the video. She couldn’t. Your mother wasn’t skinny or long legged. She definitely wasn’t blonde. Your mother was fat and short, she was Asian, and her stomach sagged with stretch marks and wrinkles. You became unsure whether your mother is a real woman.

In your living room, there is a wedding portrait. You stared at the portrait of your mother in a wedding gown and your dad in his suit. To you, the wedding portrait looked foreign. The woman in the portrait looks like something you can easily find from a web-browser. She is thin, long-legged, and had smooth skin. She is young, beautiful, and feminine. Apparently, the same person is now fat and short, with a stomach full of wrinkles.

 

“Come on let’s watch porn together” she urged again in that flirtatious way of her, and you still haven’t replied to her yet.

 

You learnt from porn that the sole existent of girls is for their orifices to be filled with penises.  You learnt from porn your mother could not be feminine because she is outdated and misshapen. You learnt from porn that your father wants to fuck every single young teenage girl. You learnt from porn that your mother is useless because she isn’t five-star fucking material. There are things you wish you can un-see and unlearn in life, and porn is one of them.

After Redtube, you and your three friends never talked about porn. In fact, nobody did. Your parents always warned you about cigarettes and drugs, but they never talked about sex and porn. You wanted to talk to your father about porn, but you were too embarrassed. You thought if you’re a real man by twelve you should already know everything about sex.

By the time you’re fourteen, the kindergarten girls have all grown up and realized that they couldn’t all become princesses. “Hey, could you helped me with this math question?” one of the girls asked. You stared at her lips. Flash. Blowjob. “Sure, what it is it?” She handed you the homework sheet. Flash. Handjobs. “Here, just replace and cancel the threes…” Your eyes drifted to her skirt. Flash. Ass. Flash. Anal-sex. Flash. Fisting. Flash. Wrinkled stomach.

On the way back home you no longer snuck a look at hair-salon girls’ belly-buttons because there were more exciting things waiting on the internet. You never hated how porn makes you feel, you just really hate what porn does to your thoughts.

In kindergarten, girls used to be these complex magical mysterious creatures with cooties. But by middle school, girls became ‘thing-ish’ and their magic disappeared. You didn’t really understood why. Once in awhile though, the girls’ magic returned when you really talk with them. When you really listen, you will hear the stories that porn doesn’t tell you. Your friend once told you a story about how degraded she felt when she was first cat-called a “fine piece of ass” in New York. She was so disgusted at those men, you felt shit, and you wonder if she’s disgusted at you. A girl once told you how difficult it was for her to work in the sciences, because men only called her “quiet and pretty”. During RISD Pre-College, you once had to walk a girl back to her dorm because she was terrified that another creepy man would appear and jack off on her face again. She cried telling you how used she felt, and there was still semen on her hair.

 

As you fell asleep on her lap, the woman told you about where you came from and about how her stomach became stretched and wrinkled. “Want to watch porn with me?” the girl asked for the third time, and the fourth time she asked you why you were so upset instead. You told her your story, and she listened. Afterwards, she made out with you until the evening.